Popcorn Reading

     The two of you who follow this blog have probably noticed that I haven’t exactly been keeping up with my posts. After concluding a chaotic semester, I woke up with an impulse to blog again.

     As I’m writing this I should probably be at the commencement ceremony for graduation that is currently being held down the street. To be honest I’m having difficulty processing the fact that I’m done with school even though I still have so much to learn. Also, being handed a fake diploma (the real ones will be mailed in a few weeks) feels like a metaphor for accepting that my education is done. This is absurd because I intend to keep learning for the rest of my life.

     My degree is in Communications and my passion is in Theater. The past five years (including a gap year that consisted of working at Starbucks and writing angry songs about Starbucks) have brought me a lot more personal growth than practical skills.

     This brings me to the title of my post. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the difference between conceptually understanding something and truly accepting and believing it. For instance, I can write an essay about all the shit I learned about in college, but the words would be meaningless compared to the ways I’ve changed as a person.

     I don’t know where I’m going with this entry. Basically I just need to vent because I feel like I’m at a strange chapter in life that is somewhere between reality and denial. Sometimes I’m able to live in the present moment, and sometimes I still regress to living in my head and avoiding emotions. My goal now is to redirect the immense energy I’ve been using to suppress all my feelings and channel it into something positive. This is going to take a lot of work because I’ve been putting up walls to avoid pain since losing my father at age 11 and possibly even before that. Part of me still has fear that I’m not ready to let down my defenses, though I notice that this fear becomes less important when I align with the present.

     There’s nothing I can say that will tie a bow on these realizations or make them any more real.  

I grew up in the suburban town of Lawrenceville, New Jersey, which was conveniently located near trains that allowed me to periodically visit cities like Philadelphia and New York. The house I grew up in was built by my late grandfather Mark Cermele and is actually in a very woodsy area. I’ve always been conflicted about my ideal environment since I love nature but generally prefer the energy in cities. Also, I decided to quit driving about about 4 years ago since I prefer walking and other means of transportation. 

In high school I was hyper focused on living in the Big Apple, but eventually I realized that the cost of living there would put me under a lot of financial stress. For the past three years, I’ve been residing in Philadelphia. Generally I feel pretty at home here, especially since places like Kelly Drive, Fairmount Park, and the Wissahickon Trail offer me opportunities to explore nature within an urban environment.

Last night my sense of comfort with Philadelphia was challenged when my house near Temple University was broken into at 2AM. The sound of our front door being broken woke me up. A minute later the burglar came upstairs and opened my door, but ran away when I yelled. About ten minutes later the cops showed up and questioned me and my roommates. Luckily nobody was hurt and the only thing stolen was an Xbox.

Prior to this incident, I had already decided to return to Lawrenceville after my lease expires at the end of July. Someday I hope I can afford to live in a safer part of a major city and use public transportation, but in the meantime I’ve decided to get my license again. There was a time when I would have seen this choice as defeat, but now I realize that, despite some issues with suburban sustainability, I’m incredibly lucky to have somewhere to go that is safe and free with a mother and sister who love me. 

Recently I started going to the Kensington Creative and Performing Arts high school twice a week and observing a theatre class. This started on Valentines Day, which was a bit chaotic because my introduction came late in the school year and the students had probably been eating a lot of candy.

Right now my goal is to facilitate some kind of connection between the theater and media departments at KCAPA, possibly in the form of a collaborative film project. This task seems a little daunting since the school is dealing with a lot of administrative issues while a lot of the students are dealing with personal issues.

My first step is to start talking to kids individually to identify their interests and strengths. The position of Media and Theatre Facilitator doesn’t technically exist, but I’ve decided to use this flexibility to my advantage. 

During yoga training this past weekend we discussed Ayurveda, a system that emphasizes living in harmony with nature. This involves figuring out which element coincides with your individual mind and body type. After a little introspection and a brief quiz I discovered that my mind is a Vata, the Dosha associated with air and space. 

My creative energy is sort of my best and worst quality since I have a tendency to get anxious if I’m not focused on something. This might explain why I’ve filled numerous journals with rambles that I hope no one ever reads. When my thoughts are racing, getting them down on paper gives me a little clarity. 

Thinking about my tendency to journal somewhat compulsively led me to reflect on a time in my life where I tried to sell or donate of all my excess material possessions. I went to school in Hartford for two years, and I spent my last two months there crashing on various couches because my lease had expired and my roommates had moved to New Jersey. My goal was to be transient, so I made a list of everything I owned. This seemed like a great way to avoid accumulating things that might hinder my freedom. Ironically my list became an obsession of its own.

I still like the idea of living simply, though in the past few years I’ve been accepting that life isn’t perfect and sometimes finding balance means owning a few outfits that I don’t wear on a regular basis. Below is the list (from 2008-2009) of all my stuff. Now I realize that I made this list for some of the wrong reasons and I find it pretty comical, especially since my hula-hoops made the cut even when I had only one pair of pants.

My Stuff:
-laptop and charger
-sunglasses
-travel mug
-2 towels
-Hula-hoops
-badminton stuff
-books
-magnets
-over the door hanger
-guitar and keyboard
-sterilite drawers
-pillows
-pop up hamper
-phone (+ chargers)
-headphones
-jump-rope
-bulletin board pins and wastebasket
-Umbrella
-Grocery Bag, Canvas Cooler
-Suitcase with comforter
-Retainer
-black clutch/lunch bag
-Backpack
-snowboard
-air bed
-Goggles, Swim cap, bathing suit
-Foldable storage ottoman
-hat and belt
-hairclip/hairties/bobby pins
-Cards/Cardholder
-Accordian Folder w/ collective acting notes
-Pencil Case w/ Pencils, pencil sharpener, makeup, tape measure, hair tie
-Passport
-Small CD case w/ a few dvds
-incense holder vanilla incense and small vanilla candle
-gloves, scarf, and robe
-Flip-flops, boots, character shoes, flats, sneakers
 
clothes:
1) tank top
2) 4 dresses
3) jeans
4) capris
5) 2 pairs shorts
6) black t-shirt 
7) button-down plaid shirt red and black
8) green t-shirt
9) socks
10) black long sleeved t-shirt
11) undergarments
12) 2 hoodies
13) coat
14) bra
15) zip-down long-sleeved polo
16) black t-shirt
17) vest
18) leggings
19) pajama pants
20) long dark green sweater
21) blue and grey cardigans
22) 2 skirts
23) black t-shirt dress

My schedule is really hectic this semester, which means I’m often hurrying around Temple’s campus. During these transitions I inevitably encounter people who I recognize from various places.

A lot of times people will say “What’s up?” or “How’s it going?”. Unless there’s time to stop and have a conversation, these are rhetorical questions that are synonymous with saying hello. It’s worth mentioning that I’ve asked these questions plenty of times without expecting an answer, but lately I’m trying to reserve “How are you?” for times when I’m prepared for an honest answer. This just seems like a more honest way of communicating.

As for passing encounters with friends or acquaintances, I find a smile sufficient. This is a way to acknowledge someone and give them a little positive energy without asking a question that they probably won’t have time to answer.

This Friday (January 27) was my first class of the teacher-training program at Dyhana Studios. In the past two days, I’ve learned more about yoga then I have in months of casual and sporadic practice.

One of the many things I learned yesterday was the story of Ganesh, a deity associated with both new beginnings and the removal of obstacles. I’m finding that these two concepts might be more closely related than I had realized.

The current obstacle I’m facing is my tendency to be extremely critical of myself, which only discourages me from truly making commitments. One sentence resonated with me as a simple yet challenging solution: Start where you are. If I’m not mistaken, the teachings of Krishnamacharya are based on this mantra.

When I left class yesterday I was secretly beating myself up for not being as practiced in yoga as a lot of my peers. Obviously this wasn’t productive since all I have control over is what I do now. Though I can’t deny that my muscles are currently very sore, I’m going back to practice today.

I’ve officially decided to make yoga an important part of my life, which means I have to practice just about every day. One thing practicing is helping me accept is that learning is a continuous and sometimes arduous process without a final goal.

I admit I’m a bit intimidated by how much work I have to do, but at the same time I have a sense that I’m in the midst of something really important and magical. 

I’ve considered 23 my “lucky number” since way before the release of the film starring Jim Carey; this can be attributed mostly to my birthday being December 23^rd and the enigmatic recurrence of those digits.

During my adolescence, I remember fantasizing about my Golden Birthday. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this concept, a person’s Golden Birthday occurs when they turn the age of their birth date (e.g., when someone born on the 23rd of December turns 23).

About a month ago, I turned 23 and had a small celebration with friends and family. Though this event wasn’t as climactic as I originally envisioned, it reminded me how fantastic this chapter of my life is so far. Most of that night was spent enjoying a bottle of champagne with my best friend Lindsey, whom I’ve had the fortune of knowing for over 10 years now.

Since turning 23 I’ve been focusing more than ever on challenging myself. Last week I began my final undergraduate semester, which includes 18 credits and a part time position that I’m hoping will lead to something more permanent. Starting this Friday, I’m also pursuing a certification in teaching yoga. For now this blog will substitute having a social life.

Since my schedule is pretty much booked solid till May, I spent the past weekend visiting Lindsey in Brooklyn. On my way I was able to reunite with Patrick and Ilana, two old friends from my years at the Hartt School in Connecticut. Even though we aren’t able to spend a lot of time together, seeing them means a lot. Sometimes briefly revisiting a part of my past helps me live more fully in the present.  

The rest of my time in New York was a lot like my 23^rd birthday. At Lindsey’s apartment we reminisced over a bottle of Trader Joe’s wine and developed a plan to recreate the musical Cats with a cast of actual felines.

When I returned to Philadelphia I felt ready for life and excited by the chaotic semester ahead of me. Coincidentally, it took about 23 years to discover this confidence within myself. 

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